I spend at minimum, an hour typing, deleting, and then re-typing an entry every time I open my computer to write. It’s sad because I know most of it has to do with my fear of vulnerability on the internet and sharing too much that may come back and bite me in the ass, and a large part of me doesn’t want to care about that at all. I fear that nothing I write will make any sense and that those few who even take the time to look over a page of text, even though barely anyone reads anymore, will scoff in disgust and think I am so ridiculous for putting myself out there in the first place. Which is completely idiotic and I know it. You can’t do anything in the world to please everyone, and why would you want to live your life pleasing people who don’t care about you? You are your first priority and I need to remind myself of that every chance I get.
Yet I seem to be the type that weighs out their decisions before making them, therefore making me safe, calculated, and ultimately boring in some respects. Then a weight seems to fall on my shoulders and I am hit with an inexplicable wave of anxiety about not having done enough; which is an issue that seems to me, can only be solved by pushing myself to the brink of insanity. Unfortunately, that’s an unhealthy coping mechanism and my therapist said that these types of habits would only make my internal struggle worse. Which is incredibly ironic because the only way I’ve really made change in my life is by throwing myself off the edge and just doing it.
So here I am trying to find balance.
It’s funny how much of a paradox I feel like right now. I have never been so sure of myself before, but I also have never felt more like I am floating in a void than I have before. All I really know is that I need to aim for something big in my life and hopefully the rest will fall into place. This mindset is helpful for me in many ways and I know it isn’t for everyone, but most of all I think it quells the fears of purposelessness for the time being. Of course, I know that life will throw me for a fucking loop but it’s who I am after that experience that makes me.
A year ago I was a completely different person, I thought I knew everything, yet nothing at all, I was terrified of change, I didn’t think I had the strength to make those leaps because the fear of failure kept me paralyzed. I was bitter and sad all of the time. I expected others to take care of emotions only I could deal with, and It wasn’t until I found the courage to make these decisions and just go for it that I found my path that needed to be paved. The thing is though, I made these decisions on my own, I found redemption in my actions, I took that risk, I have and am still working hard to maintain myself, and I couldn’t be happier.
What am I even saying at this point? It’s 3 am as I type this and no one really has their life together. I’m 21 years old and if the world doesn’t end in the next 10 years, I’ve got a pretty long life ahead of me.